Why The Eff Won’t You Marry ME?!!!

It’s been a while but I’m back and what am I am going to write about?

Well the most talked about topic on this site of course, marriage.

This year will see my OH and I reaching our TENTH year of being in a relationship.

This means that we have spent almost a third of our lives together.

We went to the same school so I have known him since the age of 13, we got together when we were 19, moved in together a few months later and have only spent a few weeks apart in that time.

The main percentage of which was when I decided we should split up due to him wanting to go travelling and me wanting to get married and have children. I think it took me about five days to completely regret my decision and decide that I wanted to be with him regardless of his views on marriage and children, and funnily enough I ended up pregnant after our first night back together.

The arrival of our little girl completely changed him, he is such an amazing dad and I am now seven months pregnant with a little boy whose arrival will turn us into a family of four, but for me, being a family of four without being married just doesn’t seem right.

The problem is that he doesn’t feel the same way.

Maybe I should just accept that we won’t get married, but I can’t. I can forget for a few months but then we will watch a film or ANOTHER one of my friends will announce their engagements and it brings it up in my mind again, I then get really resentful towards him, he will ask what’s wrong and we will end up having the same pointless conversation all over again.

And it is pointless because he doesn’t get where I am coming from and I don’t get where he is coming from. I don’t think it helps that he can’t even give me a proper reason as to why he is so against marriage so the only thing that I can come up with is that it’s because he doesn’t love me enough.

I have accepted that I am never going to get some big romantic proposal because that’s not the kind of person he is, and that’s fine because I’m not either. I don’t even want to do it for the wedding.

I want to marry him because I believe in our relationship. We aren’t a perfect mix, sometimes we have completely different opinions on things but I get him, I accept him (most of the time!) and I love him.

I want to marry him because he is a good guy. He is trustworthy, sensible and caring, and of course I think he is rather gorgeous too.

I want to marry him because I want to pass on a positive message to our kids about relationships. Both of our parents are divorced and I know relationships don’t always work out but I will always do everything I can to try and make ours successful. I want our kids to believe in marriage because it can be a wonderful thing and I don’t want them to reach an age where they start asking questions only to be told that marriage is a waste of time. I think that’s sad.

I want to marry him because I want the same name as him and my little girl.

I want to marry him because I know it will make me feel different. I want to be a wife.

I want to marry him so that I can stop referring to him as my bloody boyfriend / OH / partner.

I have so many reasons as to why I want to marry him. I hate to think that we will never get married but at the end of the day there is nothing I can do. I did try giving him an ultimatum last year but all we did was argue and at the end of the day I don’t actually want him to do it unless he wants to. I try making jokes, I try explaining and I try to understand where he is coming from.

He came home from work yesterday joking about how the guy he is working with had been feeling pressure from him girlfriend to propose too, I can imagine the pair of them moaning about how they don’t want to get married but really they should look at it as a compliment because having someone say they are willing to spend the rest of their lives with you is a big deal.

The most annoying this is that the conversation can’t really be sorted out because he isn’t just going to turn around and say ‘okay then, let’s get married’ and that’s the only thing I want to hear.

So for now I will drop it, again, but there will be time in the not so distant future where I start asking ‘WHY THE EFF WON’T YOU MARRY ME???’ again.

Comments

  1. Mrsnige says

    You have already spoken much on this issue, and in the end you have probably hit the nail on the head. He doesn’t want to get married because both your parents are divorced. He is probably thinking if it ain’t broke why fix it? He doesn’t really see that it is a problem. He loves you, he is a great Dad, he loves his daughter and will love his son. Parents divorcing affects a child. It doesn’t matter if it is explained, easy to understand or even common, but it does affect a child. A long term relationship – when it breaks up affects children. You can recall the issues that your daughter had during your temporary split.
    Marriage is only a fairly recent historical event. Living together is no longer considered a sin.
    You can have the same name as his and your daughter. Change your name by deed poll. If he asks why, tell him, it is because you want the same name as him and your children, and you accept that he does not wish to marry you at the moment to enable you to do so as part of marriage, but that it means a lot to you. Tell him that you need to make wills so that in the event of something happening to either of you (as indicated by his recent accident) that your families will know what your wishes are with regard to your children. If you are not married, then it is not as clear cut as it could be in the event of a death.
    My gut feeling? drop it completely. He will surprise you when you least expect it.
    You have the relationship, you have the family, you have the commitment. a piece of paper won’t change it.
    If you would like to make some sort of statement, then why not write some ‘vows’ and exchange them in a romantic setting just the four of you when you are ready?
    Much love x

  2. MrsB says

    I totally agree with Mrsnige’s comment but I have been married for 12 years and I’d be gutted too if my other half had said all these years that he doesn’t want to marry me :( I know he loves you but how hard is it to get a piece of paper signed that shows you’re an official ‘unit’? I know it’s just a piece of paper, etc but…. I think this late in the game you might have to somehow just let it go though and concentrate on the positives. It was much easier for me to get a proposal as we were young and I wasn’t going to have sex with anyone but my husband ;) (thankfully he doesn’t mind :)

  3. Rachael Gordon says

    Hi there,
    I think we live a similar life. I have a partner whom I adore. We met when I was 18 and he was 21. We have a beautiful 8 year old son together and a precious 10 month old baby girl. I have wanted to get married since we had our three year anniversary. Nine years later and still no proposal. Actually we have been together for 12.5 years. No proposal.

    It’s very hard on me. I had always known from a young age that getting married was something I always wanted to do. Not for the big wedding and I do not expect a romantic proposal cause that’s just not his thing. It’s simple really I wanted a husband, I wanted to have the same last name as my two children so if something should happen people wont wonder who is that girl. The one who doesn’t have any association with those other people cause clearly her name is different.

    I have spoken about it, we bought a house together 6 years ago he has always known my view on marriage. I personally don’t want to ever give him an ultimatum cause I firmly believe that someone should want to marry you because they love you not because you made them. I could never live with myself for doing that to him.

    He says he wants to get married one day too but wedding are expensive. I said we could just pop down to the registry office and make it official but he said he would like a proper wedding. He does have a vaild point though it’s not just my day it would have to be something that he would like to do to.

    Numerous weddings later that we have attended and numerous friends engagements, I am hurting so much inside. He puts it down to money and he really does love me, I know he does.

    I just try to remind myself that one day when we do get married we will have nice strong healthy foundations for our relationship and that our children will have parents that barely argue and clearly love each other.

    We won’t be marrying strangers… we know very well what we are getting ourselves in for. Technically marriage should not change what you have anyway because you have each other.

    I just feel like it’s really important to me, I don’t want to feel upset when my friends announce their engagements. I really am happy for them after all don’t they deserve happiness too? It just hurts deeply I dont know if anyone understands how much it hurts.

    He treats me well, is a loving partner and we have spoken about it. It always comes down to money. I just don’t know what to do. We have been through so much together two children, 12.5 years, cancer, post natal depression. We are good for each other and we have a happy relationship but still I don’t think it wrong of me to want this after all I am a soft caring person and I think for once in my life I should go after what I want. I want this man as my husband, he’s a great dad, the love of my life, the father of my children. It’s not like I am offering him a bad offer in fact I said its the biggest compliment you could ever get dear. I’m saying I love you enough to spend my life with you but you act like it’s stressful. Sorry if this is too long.. but yes dear I too know it’s hard. I need to know he wants to…He say’s he’ll do it in good time and I sometimes don’t mention marriage for a year to give him space to think about it. I love him.. but this too is daily causing me pain.

    • Jessica Amey says

      Hi, I’m so sorry for my delayed reply. This is my second blog and I’ve recently had a baby so it’s been a bit abandoned. We now have two kids together, both with different names to me but despite all my hint dropping still no proposal. He still thinks it’s just a pointless bit of paper but I think it would be so nice, especially now we have kids. Have you had any luck yet? x

      • Rach says

        Hi Jess,
        No luck yet but hey hun at least we can still laugh about it! We are both in the same boat. I will be hoping to hear some good news from you in the future. I had some time to think about it and a lot of my friends haven’t had children and I think that we are pretty lucky, we already have almost the whole deal. I can’t imagine not having children and my partner. It doesn’t make it any easier at times… I still would love to get married.

        I just don’t want to make him do something he isn’t ready for cause I love him so much. He is a good man and a great provider for our family. I still think one day it will be our turn. I think one day and it will mean so much because we have waited so long. It will be 13 years this November. Good things happen to good people right? Well one day it will be our turn.

        I know its not much comfort but it is really nice to have someone else to talk to about these things and congrats on your bubby.

        • anne says

          Should you still wait for a proposal after all that time? I don’t mean you in particular. I’ve been in a relationship for over 5 years, we bought a house together and he’s wonderful with my 12 year old. But he won’t propose, he has made it very clear he doesn’t believe in marriage. I am tired of hoping that he’ll change his mind some day.
          What if he doesn’t and I wasted all this time hoping he would? Is it better to just accept it? What do you do when you just don’t want to hope anymore?
          I don’t want to keep spending every Christmas or birthday celebrations thinking today just might be it, the day when he finally proposes.

  4. lara says

    This feels like ive written it in my sleep and now im reading it for the first time! Me and my OH/partner/hopefully husband one day!! Have been together 9 years this year, together at school, had our daughter when we were 24 and he still says he knows when hes going to ask me!! Ive had my 18th, 21st, we moved out then bought a house, had a baby but still no proposal in sight. We always end up arguing as he cant see why its so important to me which makes it worse as if he thinks that then why cant we just for my sake!! We have relatives i would have liked and some that i would like to see us get married before they passed away/before they do pass away. I want to call him my husband.. celebrate 40/50 years of marraige – need i go on.. but he just says ‘we will’ and tells me to stop going on. Facebook announcement after facebook announcement of my friends getting engaged and married i too always bring it down to the fact he doesnt love me enough when i know full well he does but what else can i say!! Ah rant over, is nice to know im not the only one and know im lucky to be in a lovely relationship with someone i love and a beautiful daughter but …..

    • Jessica Amey says

      Hi, sorry it has taken me so long to reply. This is my second blog and I’ve had another baby recently so it’s been a bit abandoned. And I’m still waiting! We now have two children both with different names to me! Have you had any luck? x

  5. says

    I think it’s important because of the name thing, it used to bug me and I hated saying ‘my boyfriend’ so I know why that and all your other reasons are important. Hopefully he’ll surprise you one day :) Just came across this blog and really enjoying it :)

    • Jessica Amey says

      Thank you so much, and sorry for my very delayed reply! This is my second blog and I have recently had a baby so it’s been a bit abandoned. I really hope he does surprise me one day, I’ve told him he has too but I’ve been waiting for ten years so god knows how long it’s going to take him! I hate the way I have a different name from him and now our two kids though!

  6. Tiffany says

    hello, me and boyfriend (which is strange to say) have been together for 12.5 years. we meet in high school. We have three beautiful kids (ages 3,,7,8). I love my family, but we are moving into a new home in couple month. I told him we have to be married before we move and soon. Now he has a excuse why he think we are not ready. secondly he wants another child. so I told him I’m good enough to have kids and move in to a nice house. but you cant marry me which is so stupid to me. so my plan is to get my crap together an move. I really wanted for us to get it together and be married. I would for us to have the same last name. also I’m trying to get my family in order and get back into the church.im not going to be in church and still stacking at the same time now. so if nothing doesn’t change we are leaving. I cant waste my time on this I have three kids to raise ,and the oldest our kids get they ask question (they already are). They already question why my last is different from their. For the life of me I don’t understand why he doesn’t get IT!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Ella says

    HI :)

    I am in a relationship of 5.5 years now. My partner is a good man and says that he is committed, and does show it to me everyday in the way he is and how he treats me – he proposed to me after 6 months and I said “ah no, not yet.” (he didn’t have ring or anything – it just came up in conversation)

    I never wanted to get married or have kids after seeing my parents destroy each other growing up. But am now 34 and realise that i may want to have kids and i should be probably doing it about now or sometime soon – especially if I have found a great father for my children

    So here is the situation we have talked marriage and kids – weddings are expensive – but we can just go to a registry office right – I don’t care about a big wedding OR a proposal – I think that after 5.5 years it is ok to start asking for a ring and engagement – not for everyone else – but more to show that we are serious and he isn’t just a boyfriend – we share our life and everything in it together. But he is not so keen…he says he wants to be with me and wants kids – but is not keen on getting a ring OR getting married yet – he actually wants us to try to have kids and then when I fall pregnant we can look at proceeding then…

    He says he gives me everything I want or ask for – so what more can he do to show that he is committed to us –

    I though he just wasn’t interested anymore and then I overheard him talking to one of his mates about marriage and he said “mate when you marry them is when they leave you” as he works at a club as a golf professional and sees a lot people sleep with each other wives and girlfriends OR mostly men who’s wives have left them and taken them for half of everything they worked to build.

    So maybe his reason is that – maybe his own feelings are that once we take that final step of marriage we are already headed down the slippery slope of divorce.

    So I decided to just go ahead and try to get pregnant and do it his way – but truth be told I am having big second thoughts – because its important to me for my children to know that we chose each other and made a conscious choice to be together and create life ( with no judgement of what anyone else chooses to do as everyone has different needs and wants, i am simply referring to my personal feelings that relate to me only) and now I am re-thinking our whole relationship.

    I guess deep down you want the passion from your man to step up with you and make a public declaration that we have chosen to be together – its such a beautiful thing and we already refer to us 2 and the dog as our little family….why do I get made to feel like the needy nagging girlfriend because I want to make our family official?

    I don’t really know what to think any more – but I do know that it’s important to me – but not so much to him.. I don’t want to put off having children…but it just doesn’t feel right to start having kids before anything else – especially when we are lucky enough to be able to make choices for ourselves…so where do you go from here…?

  8. Charlotte says

    If you live anywhere where a woman does not have equal rights to property, assets, alimony etc without being married, then not to marry someone if they make salary / career sacrifices to look after children etc shows the marriage resistant partner doesn’t respect you and probably therefore doesn’t love you as much as you would like to think. Your life is probably very convenient to them in a number of ways, and things are just comfortable as they are. They certainly don’t want their family and friends to witness your ‘togetherness’ in an official ceremony because they find the idea embarrassing, subconsciously they may know you are not the one. After all, if they don’t care enough about you to protect you and your children if the relationship breaks down this is not the person you want to marry. Also, if they are scared about losing a lot of money in marrying you through future allimony, this tells you they don’t see this relationship as ‘forever’ but perhaps rather ‘until I have enough money to leave her’ or ‘until when the kids have grown up’ or ‘until I have explored all my options’ – yes, they may still have roving eyes although they may not wish to admit this to themselves. Some men/women will always see the grass as greener on the other side.
    Finally, and most importantly, if one partner wants to marry and one doesn’t and both views are equally strong (in that neither party is ok about relenting but likely to become very depressed / insecure / unhappy if they don’t achieve their own way) then that is an incompatibility of the highest level. Deep down, one partner is going to be resentful, and that in itself is a reason for the relationship to eventually break down. Unless the other partner is clear that they definitely want to marry when A. they can afford to (and start saving to prove commitment and possibly buy a ring) or B. At a definite set date in the future, then the relationship probably has no future and you will find yourself alone at some point (probably when you are older and less marriageable and less likely to be able to forge your own career should you have been a stay at home mum for any length of time. Typically men who leave their long term partners do indeed leave them at around the age of 40, often for a younger woman. Unfortunately humans are selfish beings and our partners are probably not so concerned about our future well being as theirs, you do need to think about your own future and where this is heading and you do need to ensure your own future security. Yes, you will hear exceptions like ‘they lived together without getting married for 25 – 70 years’ but statistically speaking these are the exceptions rather than the rule, and usually BOTH parties were of the opinion that marriage is pointless. If you are both, demonstrably, head over heels in love with each other or both not particularly bothered by marriage, this could be you but in reality this is probably 1 in 100 unmarried couples, the exception and definitely NOT the rule. In reality a lot of couples need the recognition of that bit of paper to keep themselves and their relationships on an even keel. It’s like a glue that holds couples together that cohabitees don’t have (probably also because of personality reasons and all those reasons mentioned previously).
    Also, children in married couples do better on EVERY statistic, even when parents are in a cohabiting relationship equivalent children of a married couple still do better, emotionally, educationally, and in their own future relationships, etc (evidently there are lots of confounding factors that are likely to go hand in hand with couples who choose to cohabit that predict these outcomes, such as less education, less money, less social integration etc, but this doesn’t change the fact that couples who do go on to marry have the right factors that are likely to be a real bonus for kids.) Cohabiting relationships, even long standing ones, are simply much more likely to break down than married ones. This is because of the public and personal dedication that goes into a marriage and the compatibility of the partners that would lead to a mutual decision to get married. So don’t fool yourself into thinking cohabitation is just as good for the children, it isn’t. It also sets a bad example to your children that cohabitation is as good as marriage, when actually this is setting them up to have failed relationships which result in their own children being more likely to be bought up by a lone parent. Consider that your now adult child thinks conhabitaiton is normal, they meet a partner without thinking ‘would I want to marry this person?’, this is therefore more likely to be somebody who isn’t compatible and / or has no interest in marrying them, but due to their parents own example they think it is ‘ok’ to have kids with this person and make life decisions based on this person, which is then more likely to result in a poor life outcome for both this child and their children when the relationship does (as it is more likely to than not) break down.
    Indeed by leaving a relationship (before your partner does) that is just bumping along you might meet the perfect step dad for your kids who may be an even better father to them and provide just as much stability as the one who refuses to marry, after all, there must be a real issue with you or the idea of a future together for them to still not want to marry someone despite years together and children together. This is not a small issue. All in all, this is a fabulous reason to never have kids before marriage if you can avoid it.

    Disclaimer. I am not a member of any religious group and my reasoning is not based on any kind of religious teaching. I have an MA in sociology and have worked in couples therapy so I do have some grasp of the issues involved. This is just my personal opinion however! There are, as said, a minority of couples for whom this set up works as mentioned. Marriage does not guarantee a perfect and happy relationship either, it is just much more likely to. Compatibility of couples views about marriage is however extremely predictive of future relationship breakdown and is surprisingly often at the heart of many issues that members of a relationship might see as ‘unrelated’ especially passive aggressive behaviour and infidelity.

  9. Shiree says

    Reading these comments makes me cry cos it hurts knowimg u love someone so much and u willing and ready to get married and start a legally happy relatiomship togetherand calling eachother husband and wife, i always get upset when other couples get married and theyve only been together not long! Here i am been with u for 6 years and u dnt have decency to make wife outta me, then ur mind run wild and think u do not love me and u act angry towards him.

    Men just dnt know how that feel they should be honoured that we want to marry them

  10. charity Johnson says

    I get where you are coming from. I’m in the same boat, I adore this man, absolutely cannot imagine my life without him in it. But….13 years…three kids, and he’s noncommittal about marriage. he doesn’t say he doesn’t want to marry me. he just says He doesn’t think about it, or see a point to it.

    it didn’t bother me…for awhile. I was even very anti marriage myself at first. but now. something’s changed. I’ve changed. I had a cancer scare last year and really thought I was going to die..having never been loved enough to be someone’s wife. and it scared the hell out of me. Now it’s a constant thing. I want to cry when yet another person on FB gets married.

  11. Aleia says

    I am in a similar situation.. I began crying when you said that you wanted to marry him because you wanted the same last name as him and your daughter.. I have a son with my “other”.. it kills me that i cant feel like i am a part of this family because of a stupid last name.. Mostly because i know that i am a very vital part of this home. It seems petty that i feel this way. He did once want to marry me.. We even set a date! Then months before the wedding he started talking to other females and called the wedding off.. 6 months later we have moved past all of that. He tells me all the time that just because he called the wedding off doesn’t mean that he will never want to marry me. He says that he just needs more time. When i try and talk to him about this he gets upset and defensive. He once said that he just didn’t want to wast time. Waste time?.. he said that if we get married and end up having to get a divorce then that’s time and money wasted.. ? Wow.. thank you for believing in our relationship so strongly. We have both had marriages that have failed in the past. He uses this as an excuse for our marriage to fail. I don’t even relate my failed marriage to this new relationship because i feel so much differently for my current partner then i did my ex husband. I didn’t love my ex husband after year one!, but stayed with him for 5 years and tried to make it work. I have been with my current boyfriend for 4 years and love him just as much if not more than i did in the beginning of our relationship. We have been through so much together. Most things that would destroy other couples. I don’t want to leave because i do love him, and we do have a pretty decent relationship, but i don’t think its fair that i have no other choice in this matter. I don’t ever want him to marry me because i nagged him to the altar.. I would never feel like he married me because HE wanted to. I just want to be with someone who knows with out a doubt that they want to spend the rest of their lives with me, and wants the world to know that i belong to him and he belongs to me. Isn’t that a small part of being married? actually telling the world that you belong to each other.. idk what to do anymore.. I’m 32 and have a live in boyfriend.. I cant even join my church as a couple because we aren’t married.. I’m so sad..

  12. Rach says

    My first reply was in March 2013, sorry to report ladies we made 13 years two kids and still no proposal xxx much love to you all x

  13. Carla says

    I have been with the same guy for 16 years, patiently and ignorantly waiting. We have four kids, but alas I will never be worthy of marriage. I have been a stay at home mom for ten years. He has bought five houses in the 16 years we have been together. Not one did he put my name on.. I have nothing he has everything. I am not even insured yet our four children and he are all taken care of. I am like a visitor in this family. He has a high paying career and property and assets. I won’t even begin to express how much I have given and sacrificed for this man. Lets just say I woke up and no matter how nice a guy is or how good a father he is, there is no worse a slam then to be disrespected by someone you have dedicated your life to. Don’t hold on to a man that can’t man up. In my case he has everything and I have been left with nothing. Before I met him I was married. He demanded and forced through a divorce. I stupidly thought it was because he wanted to marry me. Now after 16 years if he was to die I would have nothing, not even social security. I would be penniless and jobless. So have some self interest unlike me who spent so long being stupid and never protected myself. I am trapped, if I leave I have nothing, if I stay I feel like nothing.

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