It’s been a while but I’m back and what am I am going to write about?
Well the most talked about topic on this site of course, marriage.
This year will see my OH and I reaching our TENTH year of being in a relationship.
This means that we have spent almost a third of our lives together.
We went to the same school so I have known him since the age of 13, we got together when we were 19, moved in together a few months later and have only spent a few weeks apart in that time.
The main percentage of which was when I decided we should split up due to him wanting to go travelling and me wanting to get married and have children. I think it took me about five days to completely regret my decision and decide that I wanted to be with him regardless of his views on marriage and children, and funnily enough I ended up pregnant after our first night back together.
The arrival of our little girl completely changed him, he is such an amazing dad and I am now seven months pregnant with a little boy whose arrival will turn us into a family of four, but for me, being a family of four without being married just doesn’t seem right.
The problem is that he doesn’t feel the same way.
Maybe I should just accept that we won’t get married, but I can’t. I can forget for a few months but then we will watch a film or ANOTHER one of my friends will announce their engagements and it brings it up in my mind again, I then get really resentful towards him, he will ask what’s wrong and we will end up having the same pointless conversation all over again.
And it is pointless because he doesn’t get where I am coming from and I don’t get where he is coming from. I don’t think it helps that he can’t even give me a proper reason as to why he is so against marriage so the only thing that I can come up with is that it’s because he doesn’t love me enough.
I have accepted that I am never going to get some big romantic proposal because that’s not the kind of person he is, and that’s fine because I’m not either. I don’t even want to do it for the wedding.
I want to marry him because I believe in our relationship. We aren’t a perfect mix, sometimes we have completely different opinions on things but I get him, I accept him (most of the time!) and I love him.
I want to marry him because he is a good guy. He is trustworthy, sensible and caring, and of course I think he is rather gorgeous too.
I want to marry him because I want to pass on a positive message to our kids about relationships. Both of our parents are divorced and I know relationships don’t always work out but I will always do everything I can to try and make ours successful. I want our kids to believe in marriage because it can be a wonderful thing and I don’t want them to reach an age where they start asking questions only to be told that marriage is a waste of time. I think that’s sad.
I want to marry him because I want the same name as him and my little girl.
I want to marry him because I know it will make me feel different. I want to be a wife.
I want to marry him so that I can stop referring to him as my bloody boyfriend / OH / partner.
I have so many reasons as to why I want to marry him. I hate to think that we will never get married but at the end of the day there is nothing I can do. I did try giving him an ultimatum last year but all we did was argue and at the end of the day I don’t actually want him to do it unless he wants to. I try making jokes, I try explaining and I try to understand where he is coming from.
He came home from work yesterday joking about how the guy he is working with had been feeling pressure from him girlfriend to propose too, I can imagine the pair of them moaning about how they don’t want to get married but really they should look at it as a compliment because having someone say they are willing to spend the rest of their lives with you is a big deal.
The most annoying this is that the conversation can’t really be sorted out because he isn’t just going to turn around and say ‘okay then, let’s get married’ and that’s the only thing I want to hear.
So for now I will drop it, again, but there will be time in the not so distant future where I start asking ‘WHY THE EFF WON’T YOU MARRY ME???’ again.
You have already spoken much on this issue, and in the end you have probably hit the nail on the head. He doesn’t want to get married because both your parents are divorced. He is probably thinking if it ain’t broke why fix it? He doesn’t really see that it is a problem. He loves you, he is a great Dad, he loves his daughter and will love his son. Parents divorcing affects a child. It doesn’t matter if it is explained, easy to understand or even common, but it does affect a child. A long term relationship – when it breaks up affects children. You can recall the issues that your daughter had during your temporary split.
Marriage is only a fairly recent historical event. Living together is no longer considered a sin.
You can have the same name as his and your daughter. Change your name by deed poll. If he asks why, tell him, it is because you want the same name as him and your children, and you accept that he does not wish to marry you at the moment to enable you to do so as part of marriage, but that it means a lot to you. Tell him that you need to make wills so that in the event of something happening to either of you (as indicated by his recent accident) that your families will know what your wishes are with regard to your children. If you are not married, then it is not as clear cut as it could be in the event of a death.
My gut feeling? drop it completely. He will surprise you when you least expect it.
You have the relationship, you have the family, you have the commitment. a piece of paper won’t change it.
If you would like to make some sort of statement, then why not write some ‘vows’ and exchange them in a romantic setting just the four of you when you are ready?
Much love x
I totally agree with Mrsnige’s comment but I have been married for 12 years and I’d be gutted too if my other half had said all these years that he doesn’t want to marry me
I know he loves you but how hard is it to get a piece of paper signed that shows you’re an official ‘unit’? I know it’s just a piece of paper, etc but…. I think this late in the game you might have to somehow just let it go though and concentrate on the positives. It was much easier for me to get a proposal as we were young and I wasn’t going to have sex with anyone but my husband 
(thankfully he doesn’t mind 
“doesn’t mind” – meaning has never held it against me